Things That End With "Y"

Make me know that you care. There’s nothing I’d rather do than cradle you in my arms and call you my kin. I want to take what’s left of me and plant it inside you. Let the seed crack open, cut through the stringy roots inside, and sprout into something that is better than me. Better than what I have become. Mommy will always love you, my little panda bear. I want the world to see what I have seen in you that being the innocence of it all.

This is to all of you. Let it be known in this letter that I do regret what I have done. I know you all are just going to see me as a monster, and I am really sorry. Truly. I am an adult, and while I realize that I am mature and responsible enough to make my own decisions, it was a series of bad decisions that led me to where I am today and what I am about to do as soon as I am done writing this. I don’t want you to hate me. Not anymore. The drowning is meant to be symbolic. I’m going away for a long time, but I want you to smile when you think of me.

Daddy, I know you don’t. You love me. I’ve always been your little girl. In your eyes, I always will be your little girl. I will always be the one that went to Mavericks games with you. Daddy’s little girl with her little soccer shorts and jersey.. I remember you always used to tell me to keep my head low and stay out of trouble, but do you remember when I was in Junior League soccer and there was that one game where I got a red ticket because I slapped the girl that stole the ball from me even though she was on my own team. You tried to be upset, but then you told me it was ok and that no one should steal the glory from me and that I should always do what‘s right even if it means going against your own. That was so unfatherly fatherly of you, and I always loved you more for little moments like that. Or how about the time that you bought me that book about dinosaurs, and I immediately started cutting and pasting and making up my own dinosaurs? You said that they looked better than the real dinosaurs. I’d look up at you with adoration. In my eyes, the perfect man must have a moustache. Sorry, Daddy, but you set the standard.

Mom, I know you’re going to read this too, and I know for sure that you will get mad at me for saying this, but Daddy was always there for me at times when I really needed you to be. When Jeff got me pregnant, I needed a mom, not a lecture on the hows and whys I’ve sinned. I needed a home. This child needed a warm, serene environment, yet you kicked me out because god forbid your fucking, swanky Forest Creek Homeowner Friends found out that not has your teenage daughter been getting busy with the fizzy but that’s she’s got one in the oven as well. Sorry that I ruined your reputation, Mom. I’m sure that during those power walks you were asked about your daughter and granddaughter, and what did you say? Did you deny it? Was acceptance into this circle of golden girls that important to you? Angry that your daughter turned out more like Dad instead of you? I’m so sorry. I’ll bet that your homeowners meetings are even more awkward now knowing what I have done.

Dad took me in, and I will forever be grateful to you for that. Kevin, I love you, but I can’t be with you. Not like this. You deserved a perfect wife and a perfect life. You’re not supposed to be a father now. I led you on, looking for something to keep me occupied while Jeremy was fucking around on me. I should’ve told you that from the start, and I’m sorry that you have to learn of it here. You are an amazing boy, though. The bond that you have between you and Dad is really weird but exciting. You guys have almost become best friends during this ordeal. Movies and after school led me to believe that this sort of relationship wasn’t supposed to happen when this scenario occurs, but it made things so much easier for me, and I thank you both for that. I guess in a way I am attracted to boys that are like my dad as gross as that sounds.

So here you are with this letter and a few paragraphs of apologies without explanation. Concerning whomever finds this letter, what you see before you is a shock, but I couldn’t think of any other way to solve the predicament that I found myself in over the past year and a half. I’m too young to handle this, and I know that. I also know that you know that. Kevin is too immature to raise a child and so am I. I realize Daddy that you are here for support and everything, but I think that given recent complications, it would probably be best for Lily to grow up in an a different family so that she’ll never have to know what a fuck up her first mother was. Lily deserves to be raised by two normal parents, not the one night stand, yet really sweet father and the hippy grandfather. Mother, I’m not even sure if I want her to know you.

Lily is a bright, little girl. She’s not even a year old, but she’s so beautiful and is already starting to show signs of her own distinct personality. Lily is special, and I think that she’s going to change the world someday. That’s why I left her at the county adoption center this morning. I hope that they find a good home for her instead of just sticking her with whoever is next in line. That would defeat my purpose.

I know that there is a lot of shock value in what I’ve done. Dad, Mom, Kevin, Lily, and even Jeremy, I’m really sorry for all of this, but I like to end things with a bang. The highchair sitting at the bottom of the pool outside is meant to symbolize an end for Lily’s life as a baby here as well as a killing off of my life here. It’s art. You like it, don’t you Daddy?

As for me, I took the 12:15 Greyhound bus out of here. I have a place to stay, and I’ll be getting a job when I turn 18 next month. I just need to escape for a while and start a new life. I love you all, but you guys deserve better. Smile when you think of me. Just because I’ll gone doesn’t mean that I won’t be thinking of you either.

All of my love,
Jenny